Quotations about Golf

Eighteen holes of match or medal play will teach you more about your foe than will 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.  ~Grantland Rice


Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child.  Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.  ~John Updike


It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf.  ~Robert Lynd


Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.  ~A.A. Milne


Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.  ~P.G. Wodehouse, A Mixed Threesome, 1922


I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game:  it's called an eraser.  ~Arnold Palmer


Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course - the distance between your ears.  ~Bobby Jones


I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer.  That's the distance my left ear is from my right.  ~Ben Crenshaw


Golf is like a love affair.  If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.  ~Arthur Daley


Golf is a fascinating game.  It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it.  ~Ted Ray, Golf - My Slice of Life, 1972


The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes.  ~Michael Green, The Art of Coarse Golf, 1975


If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.  ~Paul Gallico


Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs.  You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.  ~Val Doonican


Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.  ~Author Unknown


It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification.  ~Bruce McCall


Forget your opponents; always play against par.  ~Sam Snead


If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.  ~Horace G. Hutchinson


They say golf is like life, but don't believe them.  Golf is more complicated than that.  ~Gardner Dickinson


I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf.  I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.  ~Will Rogers


If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.  ~Sam Snead


Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.  ~William Wordsworth


What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive.  ~Arnold Palmer


The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.  ~Phyllis Diller


Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan.  Today it's called the PGA Tour.  ~Author uncertain, attributed to Alex Hay


A game in which you claim the privileges of age, and retain the playthings of childhood.  ~Author Unknown, plagiarized from the Samuel Johnson quotation "It is a hopeless endeavour to unite the contrarieties of spring and winter; it is unjust to claim the priveleges of age, and retain the play-things of childhood," which was not written about golf  (Thanks, Frank Lynch)


Golf combines two favorite American pastimes:  taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.  ~P.J. O'Rourke


The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.  The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.  The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.  The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.  The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.  The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.  Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.  ~Author Unknown


If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt.  ~Dean Martin


Golf gives you an insight into human nature, your own as well as your opponent's.  ~Grantland Rice


[T]o play golf is to spoil an otherwise enjoyable walk.  ~Attributed to "the Allens," as quoted by H.S. Scrivener in Lawn Tennis at Home and Abroad, 1903, Arthur Wallis Myers, ed., commonly attributed to Mark Twain as "Golf is a good walk spoiled." (Thanks, Garson O'Toole of quoteinvestigator.com!)


I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.  ~G.K. Chesterton


They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong.  You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it.  ~Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players


If you break 100, watch your golf.  If you break 80, watch your business.  ~Joey Adams


Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one.  ~Martha Beckman


When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.  ~Author Unknown


I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.  ~Attributed to both Miller Barber and Lee Trevino


Duffers who consistently shank their balls are urged to buy and study Shanks - No Thanks by R.K. Hoffman, or in extreme cases, M.S. Howard's excellent Tennis for Beginners.  ~Henry Beard, Golfing, 1985


Golf is life.  If you can't take golf, you can't take life.  ~Author Unknown


In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence.  Nobody cares.  In golf everything has got to be right over second base.  ~Ken Harrelson


If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a course?  ~Larry Nelson


Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.  ~Michael Green, The Art of Coarse Golf, 1967


If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes.  It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head.  ~Harry Vardon


A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water.  ~Bob Ryan


Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.  ~Bob Hope


I'd play every day if I could.  It's cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart.  ~Brent Musburger



Columbus went around the world in 1492.  That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.  ~Lee Trevino


Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver.  The sand wedge is far more effective.  ~Huxtable Pippey


I've spent most of my life golfing - the rest I've just wasted.  ~Author Unknown


They call it golf because all of the other four-letter words were taken.  ~Raymond Floyd


My handicap?  Woods and irons.  ~Chris Codiroli


The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.  ~John Updike


Even God has to practice his putting.  ~Golf Saying


Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula.  And it took a seven to do that.  ~Jim Murray


The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.  ~Pete Dye


If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron.  Not even God can hit a 1-iron.  ~Lee Trevino


Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.  ~Jim Bishop


I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.  ~Harry Toscano


I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.  ~Gerald Ford


"Play it as it lies" is one of the fundamental dictates of golf.  The other is "Wear it if it clashes."  ~Henry Beard, Golfing, 1985


I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.  ~Bob Hope, about his golfing


I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it.  ~Jim Dent


It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf.  The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot.  ~Nubar Gulbenkian, 1972


Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses.  ~Adlai Stevenson


I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.  ~Gerald Ford


The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off.  I shot the happiest 83 of my life.  ~Chi Chi Rodriguez


A golf course is nothing but a poolroom moved outdoors.  ~Barry Fitzgerald, Going My Way


Quotations about Golf 2 

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